![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elizabethI don't quite know what to say.
Um. I am continuing to have Bad Feelings about talking with my roommate over apartment stuff — cleaning, mostly, so much shame around cleaning, and I can't quite figure out why, some of it has to do with my mother's approach to cleaning and some of it has to do with how I feel like I never really learned how to clean, and I don't handle not knowing things very well, and I just want to throw money at the problem and get a cleaner to come in every few weeks, which....is that me being a grownup with disposable income or me being avoidant? I honestly can't tell.
And work is ....fine, I guess. I think I need to talk to the hr people about a lateral transfer, because while I <3 many of my coworkers, the coworkers I <3 are not the ones I work with day-to-day. And 2.5 years in one position is pretty good. I want to stay at $Institution, for a large variety of reasons, but I am not sure how much longer I can stand working with my boss, who drives me bananas, and I distrust one of the people on my team a lot. (I smell casual ingrained sexism on him. Nothing I can put my finger on, but I don't think he respects me.) I can't do anything about applying to lateral positions until I talk to HR person/figure out wtf my actual salary is, because I remember it as 63K, but I know that's a couple hundred dollars off.
Fucking December.
Thanksgiving was awful in entirely normal ways, I am desperately hoping we're not doing anything for New Year's, I need to do some serious boundary-setting with my stepdad, the prospect of getting a new apartment in eight to ten months thrills and depresses me in roughly equal measure, and I hope that going to dinner at B.'s in ten minutes cheers me up, because while I'm not depressed I am overly grumpy for no good reason and I'd like to stop.
Fucking December.
Um. I am continuing to have Bad Feelings about talking with my roommate over apartment stuff — cleaning, mostly, so much shame around cleaning, and I can't quite figure out why, some of it has to do with my mother's approach to cleaning and some of it has to do with how I feel like I never really learned how to clean, and I don't handle not knowing things very well, and I just want to throw money at the problem and get a cleaner to come in every few weeks, which....is that me being a grownup with disposable income or me being avoidant? I honestly can't tell.
And work is ....fine, I guess. I think I need to talk to the hr people about a lateral transfer, because while I <3 many of my coworkers, the coworkers I <3 are not the ones I work with day-to-day. And 2.5 years in one position is pretty good. I want to stay at $Institution, for a large variety of reasons, but I am not sure how much longer I can stand working with my boss, who drives me bananas, and I distrust one of the people on my team a lot. (I smell casual ingrained sexism on him. Nothing I can put my finger on, but I don't think he respects me.) I can't do anything about applying to lateral positions until I talk to HR person/figure out wtf my actual salary is, because I remember it as 63K, but I know that's a couple hundred dollars off.
Fucking December.
Thanksgiving was awful in entirely normal ways, I am desperately hoping we're not doing anything for New Year's, I need to do some serious boundary-setting with my stepdad, the prospect of getting a new apartment in eight to ten months thrills and depresses me in roughly equal measure, and I hope that going to dinner at B.'s in ten minutes cheers me up, because while I'm not depressed I am overly grumpy for no good reason and I'd like to stop.
Fucking December.
no subject
Date: 2014-12-10 01:00 am (UTC)It's being a grownup with disposable income and choosing to dispose some of that income in such a way to minimize stress and roommate conflict, which is the very best reason to use your disposable income. Who the fuck cares if it's you being avoidant? The answer can be 'both', and that's not bad! PAYING MONEY TO STOP FEELING ASHAMED AND AWFUL EVERY TIME YOU LOOK AROUND YOURSELF IS A PERFECTLY VALID THING TO DO. You're not buying 'cleaning service', you're buying 'less conflict and fewer Bad Feelings', and that is worth it at just about any price.
We fiiiiinally got around to hiring a cleaning service to come in once every two weeks and it is SO WORTH IT, OH MY GOD. There is nothing inherently virtuous in doing your own cleaning! OUTSOURCE THAT SHIT.
Bonus, if you're there when they clean you can watch how they do it and get a good sense of how they do it, which can help you with the "I never learned how to clean" brainweasels, so that if you wind up having less disposable income in the future and wind up having to cancel the service, you'll have a better grounding. (If you want basic tips, btw, I can give them. There's basically like three things you need to know to be reasonably decent at cleaning and none of them are hard.)