elizabeth: someone holding a red umbrella, facing a waterfall (strength)
Oh, for fuck's sake.
cut for references to parental abuse )

The things about anger that I ACTUALLY WANTED to talk about are (a) what is sending me into jaw-clenching, precisely-clipped-diction fury at work, what buttons are being pushed (some of them I know about, like the helplessness and the sense of being watched and hunted and found inadequate, but I don't think I have all of them) and (b) why anger is one of the emotions that goes straight to my body. I don't like my body being the locus for that. I want to like living in my body, to feel good in it. And anger is something that is too present in my body.

I've talked about this before, a little, sort of, how anger is an emotion I have no tools for. And I want to work on that. I can't go through life with no escalation process between "mildly irritated" and "blinding rage". I don't want to be afraid of my own anger.

The part where I have no model for how to feel and express anger appropriately is tied into the work thing, because my mother's way of dealing with tasks she doesn't like — for example, housecleaning — is to get angry at it, and use that as fuel to push through. Which is ....not great as a model, full stop, and is especially not great for this project, because I already have a profound personality clash with my client and my immediate supervisor (and also this is a long-term project, and housecleaning is over in a day or so). Different personality clashes. (The former is a matter of "totally incapable of making a decision or sticking to decisions once made, does not respect my expertise, is a TERRIBLE WRITER whose clarifications make already-confusing requests completely incomprehensible." The latter is a matter of "I do not want to be your friend, I want you to be my boss. And stop interrupting me verbally, I have told you that breaks my concentration in a way that written communication does not, and I want a paper trail for requests.")

Being angry at my immediate supervisor? NOT A GOOD PLAN. Especially when I can't control it.

(I mean, I don't get violent or anything. I just grit my teeth and sound condescending and like an asshole. It's not subtle.)

And I have no idea of where to go with this.

I guess the plan from here is: mindfulness track, email this entry & the email to Dr. L before Tuesday's before-work session, go into therapy on Tuesday prepared to work hard.
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