Sep. 27th, 2015 07:38 am
elizabeth: laptop with notebook & pens (laptop)
Years ago, my mother mentioned (in some relevant context, I'm sure; that's not sarcastic) that she'd been vaguely surprised when I told her I'm bisexual, on the grounds that when I was a kid, I was always very aware of/paid attention to (I don't remember how she phrased it) the boys in my class.

I always knew that even assuming this premise were true/valid, the relationship between it and her conclusion was tenuous. But. I had never really paid attention to the premise itself.

There's something baked in there that I never quite figured out, and then last night I did. She was assuming I was paying attention to the boys around me because I found them interesting. Nope. I was paying attention to them because they were dangerous. They were basically all bigger and stronger than I was, and a substantial minority had already demonstrated they were 100% willing to use that as part of a campaign (organized? IDK) to harass and intimidate me. (This was the '90s, the best advice I got about dealing with these asshats was "ignore them and they'll go away." This....did not work.)

So last night, this finally clicked, and then I spent basically the entire night mired in nightmares, set in my hated home town, about being street harassed and scared at work and then followed home by these dudes. I managed to drag myself out of the dreams a few minutes before my alarm went off, and instead of hitting snooze and luxuriating in a Sunday lie-in, I dumped myself into a scalding hot shower and dressed in cuddly soft warm clothes and now I have a giant mug of tea and a bowl of yogurt with marmalade.
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