elizabeth: laptop with notebook & pens (laptop)
OH MY GOD just once I would like to be as smart as my poetry and my fiction is. (Are?)


I was looking through some of the unfinished poetry manuscript, and pulled out the three poems that came out of my relationship with my last girlfriend. One of them is superficially not about any relationship much less a romantic one, but I have always been convinced that it is "a [redacted] poem."

Yes. Yes, it is. It is about what I have to offer in a relationship, what I think my worth is to a partner. And it was my relationship with [redacted] that taught me that I am totally fucking baffled by what someone is attracted to in me. I am still not sure what she saw in me that she wanted to pursue. (She, uh. Was definitely the -- aggressor sounds wrong, but I would not know she had ever been attracted to me, to this day, if she had not come out and said, in words of literally one syllable, "I like you. Can we kiss?" I am so incredibly dense sometimes it amazes even me.)

(The poem is this actualfax content wrapped in an elaborate metaphor; it will be vastly amusing, if/when I publish it, to what any critics have to say.)

Apparently I think that I can offer a certain amount of superficial beauty, the kind that is interesting to the discerning, and more crucially, hard work. I think my real value in a relationship comes from the (metaphorical) steel spine I developed as an abuse survivor. I survived my father, and I therefore have an incredible capacity to survive and do the work that needs to be done, emotionally, no matter how painful. I am utterly unafraid of commitment. If I think a relationship is worth it, I will pour in as much effort as it takes to make it work. (Of course, having survived estranging myself from my father as a teenager, I am also aware of how possible it is to cut my losses and walk away from a relationship that is poisonous.) If I love you, if you are my partner, my commitment to you is absolute.

And I expect this to be recognized and respected. This capacity for work, this devotion and commitment -- I want my partner to be aware of this, and for it to be one of the things zie thinks of when zie answers the question, why do you love [personal profile] elizabeth?
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