Elizabeth

I am tired down to my marrow. I have been working so hard on a better relationship with my mother, and it was mostly going well, and then I was so stressed about a professional thing I spent two hours on the phone with her, and it was ....mostly okay, and then she got hurt that I didn't keep her updated with more phone calls, and also she's mad at my stepdad for stuff and I think she was reacting to me as though I was him, and our call last night was just awful to the point where I was in tears for like the second half and then I cried in the shower and put on a meditation track about lovingkindness and cried a little more and then went to sleep.

Sometimes I feel so lonely talking to her. It's not that I feel unloved or that I think she isn't proud of me. I don't know what it is. So I record it here, in hopes that someday I will figure something out.