Elizabeth

I've talked about how my mental illness feels like a thing that is in my body but not me, like something imposed on me by an outside force that is nevertheless interior to my self. The word "seam" has been drifting into my mind the last few times I've been hit with a bad spell of minutes or hours or a day or two (and I am so grateful that my bad periods are so much lighter and so much briefer than they used to be). I don't mean a seam in a piece of clothing or on a baseball, I mean the fifth definition in the OED: "Geol. A thin layer or stratum separating two strata of greater magnitude." These unpleasant interludes in which my in-remission chronic illness feel like encountering something unexpected and weird in the landscape of myself.

And I have more coping skills than I used to have! This morning I was feeling rotten and useless and under-appreciated, so I went to youtube and watched some videos of babies giggling. I don't know that I would have thought to do that a year ago.

I'm learning distress tolerance and self-soothing and whatnot. I just wish I knew if "normal" people have this feeling of their unpleasant feelings being something they run into and have to get through.