elizabeth: woman with a red umbrella walking into a storm (Default)
I've been talking in generalities for a while now. About me, I mean, and what's going on in my life. I'm not doing that any more.

I think pretty much everyone knows that I'm a college student, and that I have depression. Those two facts have been unfortunately coinciding over the last few months, to the point where my academic performance has suffered beyond what I'm prepared to accept.

I haven't been turning in papers; I haven't been preparing for classes. I've been getting away with this because I participate in discussions and because I'm smart enough and am well-read enough to do that, and because I'm really good at sounding like I know what I'm talking about. I know the catch-phrases.

But this isn't the way I want to conduct my academic life. This isn't who I want to be, academically, and I'm not going to let myself get away with this anymore.

I'm taking the rest of the fall semester off. I don't know if I'm coming back for the spring semester; I will eventually return, I know that -- I want my BA from here, and I want more than that from somewhere else, but right now, I'm merely marking time, and I'm doing in such a way that I'm hurting myself and I'm not doing it for any reason beyond stubbornness.

I'm going to get as better as I can and I'm going to do this right. Oddly, I'm pretty calm about it; I'm not happy about this whole fucking disaster, but...I really hate indecision. Having made the decision, I'm pretty much just trying to go through with it as best as I can. When I was talking about this in therapy, a few weeks ago (this is not as snap a decision as it may appear), I said something about how the best I could think of for this semester would be getting out with some dignity, acting with as much honor as I could (okay, I chickened out of actually saying it because that sounds like one of the old-fashioned old men in Edith Wharton or Thackeray, and who wants to be a character who gets mocked by Wharton or Thackeray?), and that's still what I'm trying to do. I think that I can do that.

Appointment with the dean at two-thirty today, and I'm just sort of killing time until then; I'll talk to disabilities if they have a free time, and I'll drop by the library and pay my fines (put the chairs up on the tables, turn out the lights and lock the universe behind me), and I'll go into my Barnard email and erase, well, everything, and email my employers because there is no way I can have a job on the UWS even if I stay in New York rather than North Hell; and I need to call home.

I can do this.

Reposted from LJ, 20 March 2009
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