elizabeth: figure with a red umbrella beside a stormy sea (small)
First date tonight (last night) with Boy T. It went well, as I understand one assesses such things -- kisses, good conversation, he clearly likes me and is attracted to me.


There's always a but.

Like in the early stages of my relationship with J., I had to remind myself that kissing this person was supposed to be fun. And I like being desired, I'm not going to lie about that. But I was always... detached, I suppose is the best word, while the kissing was going on. Not fully present in the physical.

A while back, Dr. L asked me, "Do you want to date?" To which I replied I want to have dated. I want a relationship, I just don't particularly enjoy the process of getting there. Which is not untrue, and there is something to unpack there, but that's not what I'm thinking about right now.

I think when I say I want a relationship, Dr L doesn't hear what I mean. Which is not her failing; it's that the word is imprecise. (Fine has variable definitions.)

I want a companion. I want someone to love, I want someone to love me. I want someone who is unquestionably a part of my life and for whom I am unquestionably a part of theirs.

Sex doesn't even make the list of what I am seeking.

I'm not ace, I have a sex drive, but honestly, if I could find a companion who was — it would be kind of ideal. Whatever physical needs I have, I can take care of myself, and maybe it's because I've never had good sex, but the process of getting to good sex seems like ...a waste isn't quite the word I'm looking for, but it's as close as I can get right now. Like so much bother. I just don't see how sex can be good enough to justify the effort it would take to get there, maybe. Because it would take a lot.

Maybe it's because it's two am and I am exhausted, but this feels true right now. And in some ways I wish it weren't, that I could just want things without having to unpack them and be faced with stuff I don't know what to do with.
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