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Apr. 13th, 2007 02:38 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elizabethThis is what sucks about a having a really good therapist: she makes me think about things I do not really want to think about.
Like the part where I'm kind of in a holding pattern in, oh, my entire life. I'm not in school, I'm not really advancing my career (hell, I'm not really even sure what I want to do for a career), I'm not really doing much of anything.
Which is not good.
So responding to pater's letter with something other than my knee-jerk reaction of not only no, but hell no might be a place to break out of stasis, so to speak. It would take quite a lot of courage (a stupid amount of courage, honestly), and it would be...something other than status quo. Which, hey, good -- I am not, honestly, too happy with my status quo.
Except insofar as it involves absolutely no contact with my biological father. Because, and I don't think I can say this enough, I have come to the point of knowing bone-deep that he is not a good person, that he will fail me, and that I am better off with him out of my life.
I am so incredibly fucked. We were going through pros and cons of the possible responses to his letter, today, and I just keep coming back to the part where I don't want to neccessarily be the same person I was at fifteen, I don't want to have only one response to my father; and at the same time -- that response is the sane one. To let my father into my life would be stupid beyond all words.
So incredibly fucked.
And I can't let this slide, can't let this just be one of those things I fuck around on endlessly, because this is important, this matters. I need to respond, I need to do something, I need to make the gesture, whatever the gesture is going to be.
The paralysis of choice, hell -- I only have two choices here, and they are mutually exclusive (not really, actually, the no can always be changed to yes -- but, and I think this is what scares me most, I can't take back a yes, I can't make a meeting with him not have happened), and I still can't make up my fucking mind. I seriously hate people like this, people who can't stick to a decision, just waffling about it. It drives me crazy.
Oh, my god. And it's not that I want anyone to make the decision for me, I just want to be able to make it. I just want it to have been done.
Usually, when I have a serious decision to make, I think about what, in ten years, I would regret most -- if I would regret my worst-case scenario more than not doing XYZ, what specifically I would regret about the worst-case scenario, you know, that kind of thing. This time, that's not really helping, because I can feel, so clearly, the consequences of the worst-case scenario. But I can't explain them. I can't see them. I just know, that if this goes wrong, it will go wrong on every possible level, that it will hurt endlessly, that it will be a great big clusterfuck and have fallout all over the place, and I? Do not think I am a coward for not wanting that.
It doesn't help that I have this mental block about what good could possibly come out of engaging with him. I can't think of anything I could get from him, from conversation with him, that would be worth the process of getting it. I mean, I'd like a medical history, but that's a relatively minor thing, and I'd like to find out (a) what the fuck he was doing, lying to his children all those times about his personal mythology and (b) what exactly in those stories was the truth, but I know perfectly well that the first question he wouldn't be able to answer and the second he just -- I don't think he knows the answer to that one any more, if he ever did. There is nothing he can offer me that I want. Which is kind of sad.
It just happens to be my reality, and you know what, I am okay with that. This is what I get, and there are so many things in which I am so incredibly lucky that having this particular part of my life as irredeemably crappy is not, you know, the universe out to get me, but just part of my life being crap. Not everything is going to be Orlando Bloom's eyelashes or John Sheppard's hair or Jack Sparrow's fingers. Not everything is going to be![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
berne or hija_paloma or fabu.
Like the part where I'm kind of in a holding pattern in, oh, my entire life. I'm not in school, I'm not really advancing my career (hell, I'm not really even sure what I want to do for a career), I'm not really doing much of anything.
Which is not good.
So responding to pater's letter with something other than my knee-jerk reaction of not only no, but hell no might be a place to break out of stasis, so to speak. It would take quite a lot of courage (a stupid amount of courage, honestly), and it would be...something other than status quo. Which, hey, good -- I am not, honestly, too happy with my status quo.
Except insofar as it involves absolutely no contact with my biological father. Because, and I don't think I can say this enough, I have come to the point of knowing bone-deep that he is not a good person, that he will fail me, and that I am better off with him out of my life.
I am so incredibly fucked. We were going through pros and cons of the possible responses to his letter, today, and I just keep coming back to the part where I don't want to neccessarily be the same person I was at fifteen, I don't want to have only one response to my father; and at the same time -- that response is the sane one. To let my father into my life would be stupid beyond all words.
So incredibly fucked.
And I can't let this slide, can't let this just be one of those things I fuck around on endlessly, because this is important, this matters. I need to respond, I need to do something, I need to make the gesture, whatever the gesture is going to be.
The paralysis of choice, hell -- I only have two choices here, and they are mutually exclusive (not really, actually, the no can always be changed to yes -- but, and I think this is what scares me most, I can't take back a yes, I can't make a meeting with him not have happened), and I still can't make up my fucking mind. I seriously hate people like this, people who can't stick to a decision, just waffling about it. It drives me crazy.
Oh, my god. And it's not that I want anyone to make the decision for me, I just want to be able to make it. I just want it to have been done.
Usually, when I have a serious decision to make, I think about what, in ten years, I would regret most -- if I would regret my worst-case scenario more than not doing XYZ, what specifically I would regret about the worst-case scenario, you know, that kind of thing. This time, that's not really helping, because I can feel, so clearly, the consequences of the worst-case scenario. But I can't explain them. I can't see them. I just know, that if this goes wrong, it will go wrong on every possible level, that it will hurt endlessly, that it will be a great big clusterfuck and have fallout all over the place, and I? Do not think I am a coward for not wanting that.
It doesn't help that I have this mental block about what good could possibly come out of engaging with him. I can't think of anything I could get from him, from conversation with him, that would be worth the process of getting it. I mean, I'd like a medical history, but that's a relatively minor thing, and I'd like to find out (a) what the fuck he was doing, lying to his children all those times about his personal mythology and (b) what exactly in those stories was the truth, but I know perfectly well that the first question he wouldn't be able to answer and the second he just -- I don't think he knows the answer to that one any more, if he ever did. There is nothing he can offer me that I want. Which is kind of sad.
It just happens to be my reality, and you know what, I am okay with that. This is what I get, and there are so many things in which I am so incredibly lucky that having this particular part of my life as irredeemably crappy is not, you know, the universe out to get me, but just part of my life being crap. Not everything is going to be Orlando Bloom's eyelashes or John Sheppard's hair or Jack Sparrow's fingers. Not everything is going to be
berne or hija_paloma or fabu.Reposted from LJ, 20 March 2009
