(no subject)

[elizabeth]

Stupid female socialization. Why is it that I can make this post and then, at therapy -- at therapy -- I cannot make the words "abusive, manipulative, pathological liar" come out of my mouth? What the fuck, self? Individually, I've used each word before in sessions; that I judge my father so harshly is of no surprise to Dr. L. But I can't say it, I can't break past the conditioning that tells me, if you can't be kind, if you can't temper your judgement with gentleness, don't speak.

I'm better in writing than I am in speech. Braver, less ashamed, dramatic. More myself, the self I'm trying to grow into; it's a pity I can't explain with my talking words the things that I can almost make burn with my writing words.

Reposted from IJ, 16 March 2009