(no subject)
Mar. 6th, 2008 04:17 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elizabethmy equilibrium is so fucking fragile. it is so easy to derail me.
i am not up for capital letters tonight.
there was a therapy session, a few weeks back, when i said something about how maybe i'm not *happy* these days -- there's not enough good in my life to make me really intensely happy -- but i'm *content* and for now that will serve. dr. l pointed out that it's really the absence of unhappiness that i've been experiencing; there's nothing in my life that hurts in the way i've become too used to. nothing noxious, was her phrase, and the thing she didn't say was how easy that is to damage.
i thought i was doing okay. to find out i'm not ...i am maybe not handling stress well, guys, and by 'maybe' i mean 'definitely'. i'm getting better, i know this, i was able to call my mother back today (six months, a year, ago? no way in hell would that have happened), the anxiety attack wasn't even half as bad as some i've had (no one even noticed i was having it), but better is not good. not good enough, i guess, is what i want to say, and i am not capable of being gentle to myself tonight. all i can see is inadequacy in the mirror.
anyone have any strategies i should consider? i wish i could find a pilates or yoga class around me -- yoga breathing might help -- but i had a panic attack in the gym last week and haven't gone back since. someone want to call me tomorrow and make me go to the gym?
i'm gonna go watch a rerun of jon stewart now.
i am not up for capital letters tonight.
there was a therapy session, a few weeks back, when i said something about how maybe i'm not *happy* these days -- there's not enough good in my life to make me really intensely happy -- but i'm *content* and for now that will serve. dr. l pointed out that it's really the absence of unhappiness that i've been experiencing; there's nothing in my life that hurts in the way i've become too used to. nothing noxious, was her phrase, and the thing she didn't say was how easy that is to damage.
i thought i was doing okay. to find out i'm not ...i am maybe not handling stress well, guys, and by 'maybe' i mean 'definitely'. i'm getting better, i know this, i was able to call my mother back today (six months, a year, ago? no way in hell would that have happened), the anxiety attack wasn't even half as bad as some i've had (no one even noticed i was having it), but better is not good. not good enough, i guess, is what i want to say, and i am not capable of being gentle to myself tonight. all i can see is inadequacy in the mirror.
anyone have any strategies i should consider? i wish i could find a pilates or yoga class around me -- yoga breathing might help -- but i had a panic attack in the gym last week and haven't gone back since. someone want to call me tomorrow and make me go to the gym?
i'm gonna go watch a rerun of jon stewart now.
Reposted from IJ, 16 March 2009
