(no subject)
Nov. 6th, 2011 07:48 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elizabethYesterday I got overstimulated. Today I had an overstimulation hangover, and then I gave myself an anxiety attack (or possible I gave myself an anxiety attack and got hit with an overstimulation/anxiety hangover, I'm honestly not sure), and now I am fighting off your standard despair, gloom, and hopelessness. With any luck, it will pass with the night.
(I am trying not to worst-case-scenario myself into something I can't claw my way out of, just because the clocks changed last night. Fucking Daylight Savings, man.)
This is what happens. There is nothing here I can't survive, can't be bigger than, can't — I just (as in last week) started a new job and I am fucking terrified I am going to have to tell my boss I have depression, have I mentioned that? If I do that, which I frankly don't know if I want to, I want it to be on my terms, and not because I need to explain my behavior and flat affect.
Right now, I can't trust myself to make decisions: about my apartment, about my relationships, about my commitments. One day I'll be able to do that again. Maybe even two days in a row. That would be interesting and different.
The comfort TV helped with the hangover. Unfortunately, now there are people around me again, and that is setting off all my internal alarms.
Tea and chocolate and maybe another episode of comfort TV, and then an early bedtime, I guess, and tomorrow after what I fully expect to be a stressful workday and lunch hour, I think I will get a pedicure. Maybe a dance class and then a pedicure, depending on how fragile I feel.
(I am trying not to worst-case-scenario myself into something I can't claw my way out of, just because the clocks changed last night. Fucking Daylight Savings, man.)
This is what happens. There is nothing here I can't survive, can't be bigger than, can't — I just (as in last week) started a new job and I am fucking terrified I am going to have to tell my boss I have depression, have I mentioned that? If I do that, which I frankly don't know if I want to, I want it to be on my terms, and not because I need to explain my behavior and flat affect.
Right now, I can't trust myself to make decisions: about my apartment, about my relationships, about my commitments. One day I'll be able to do that again. Maybe even two days in a row. That would be interesting and different.
The comfort TV helped with the hangover. Unfortunately, now there are people around me again, and that is setting off all my internal alarms.
Tea and chocolate and maybe another episode of comfort TV, and then an early bedtime, I guess, and tomorrow after what I fully expect to be a stressful workday and lunch hour, I think I will get a pedicure. Maybe a dance class and then a pedicure, depending on how fragile I feel.
no subject
Date: 2011-11-07 03:42 pm (UTC)I can be around if you need to chat.