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Sep. 6th, 2006 04:37 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elizabethI keep telling myself 'the internet is not about you' and 'people aren't talking about you behind your back' and on good days, I believe it. I always know it, intellectually, but knowledge and belief are very different beasts.
And I'm not good at friendship. I know this. How could I not? I have trouble making friends, and I have trouble keeping friends. I pick terrible people to be friends with -- people who are interesting, superficially, people who are a little outside the box, people who also have trouble with socialization -- and then it falls to pieces around me. Or I have a friendship that's doomed by virtue of something entirely out of my control -- distance, for example -- and then I either cling to it stubbornly, refusing to let it die a natural death, or just walk away because it's going to happen anyway and I don't want to put energy into something that's never going to last and I might as well be the one to choose.
See what I mean? I sabatoge my friendships, for fuck's sake.
I can't tell if I'm doing that again. I think I may be, but I'm not sure. I don't have instincts here, I just can't tell.
There are people I have met in the last few years whom I do not want to lose. There are people I haven't met except online whom I do not want to lose, whom I want to know better, but I don't know if I'm going to be able to do that.
Friendship's hard, man. Friendship takes time and effort and energy and probably more of each for me than most people because I have to be so conscious of it. And I worry. I worry that I'm not doing it right. I worry that I've picked the wrong people again, although I think I've mostly got past that with at least some of my friendships, and I worry that people think I'm the wrong kind of person for them to be friends with. (Which, okay, I am not easy to be friends with, I know this, and there are days when I don't want to inflict myself on me, so I understand that, and if you -- editorial you -- don't want to be friends with me, I definitely don't want to waqke up one morning and realize I've been pursuing a friendship fruitlessly for however long because can we say embarrassing?)
When I try to be a good friend, when I try to keep up with what's going on in people's lives and talk to them, one-on-one, I worry that I'm being overly...something. Stalking them, in a way, although not the Single White Female way (yes, I am a single white female, thanks, but you know what I mean). I worry I'm being too much. Overwhelming. And I know what that feels like from the other side, and I don't want to do that to anyone.
But I know that if I don't have on my to-do list to stay in touch, to send the emails, to comment in journals, to stamp the postcards, I won't at all. I will lose everyone unless I make that effort. This is a simple fact.
I just don't know where the balance is. I can't tell.
And not being able to tell, and knowing that I can't tell means I am about 293846029365 times more insecure about it. So I worry. I worry I'm not being a good enough friend, I worry I'm being a Single White Female friend, I worry I'm overstepping my boundaries, I worry I've pissed people off and they don't want to tell me because either Single White White Female tendencies or something I haven't even thought of, I worry (especially on LJ, actually) that a friendship was good once but now is just an annoyance, I worry that I think about this too much, I worry -- about everything.
I wish my therapist weren't on maternity leave.
And I'm not good at friendship. I know this. How could I not? I have trouble making friends, and I have trouble keeping friends. I pick terrible people to be friends with -- people who are interesting, superficially, people who are a little outside the box, people who also have trouble with socialization -- and then it falls to pieces around me. Or I have a friendship that's doomed by virtue of something entirely out of my control -- distance, for example -- and then I either cling to it stubbornly, refusing to let it die a natural death, or just walk away because it's going to happen anyway and I don't want to put energy into something that's never going to last and I might as well be the one to choose.
See what I mean? I sabatoge my friendships, for fuck's sake.
I can't tell if I'm doing that again. I think I may be, but I'm not sure. I don't have instincts here, I just can't tell.
There are people I have met in the last few years whom I do not want to lose. There are people I haven't met except online whom I do not want to lose, whom I want to know better, but I don't know if I'm going to be able to do that.
Friendship's hard, man. Friendship takes time and effort and energy and probably more of each for me than most people because I have to be so conscious of it. And I worry. I worry that I'm not doing it right. I worry that I've picked the wrong people again, although I think I've mostly got past that with at least some of my friendships, and I worry that people think I'm the wrong kind of person for them to be friends with. (Which, okay, I am not easy to be friends with, I know this, and there are days when I don't want to inflict myself on me, so I understand that, and if you -- editorial you -- don't want to be friends with me, I definitely don't want to waqke up one morning and realize I've been pursuing a friendship fruitlessly for however long because can we say embarrassing?)
When I try to be a good friend, when I try to keep up with what's going on in people's lives and talk to them, one-on-one, I worry that I'm being overly...something. Stalking them, in a way, although not the Single White Female way (yes, I am a single white female, thanks, but you know what I mean). I worry I'm being too much. Overwhelming. And I know what that feels like from the other side, and I don't want to do that to anyone.
But I know that if I don't have on my to-do list to stay in touch, to send the emails, to comment in journals, to stamp the postcards, I won't at all. I will lose everyone unless I make that effort. This is a simple fact.
I just don't know where the balance is. I can't tell.
And not being able to tell, and knowing that I can't tell means I am about 293846029365 times more insecure about it. So I worry. I worry I'm not being a good enough friend, I worry I'm being a Single White Female friend, I worry I'm overstepping my boundaries, I worry I've pissed people off and they don't want to tell me because either Single White White Female tendencies or something I haven't even thought of, I worry (especially on LJ, actually) that a friendship was good once but now is just an annoyance, I worry that I think about this too much, I worry -- about everything.
I wish my therapist weren't on maternity leave.
Reposted from LJ, 20 March 2009
