(no subject)
Apr. 30th, 2007 04:31 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elizabethI am really, really sick of having stupid things hold me back from doing the things I want to do, being the person I want to be. I can't tell if I'm being responsible to wait, to bite my tongue and say not until I can afford it, or it's fear controlling me yet fucking again.
In a private-locked entry, a few days, maybe weeks ago, there's a phrase, referring to how I feel when I'm at group: prickly, sullen restlessness. I've been noticing that I feel like far more often than I'm comfortable with; because I only feel like that, that specific feeling which I can't define any more closely than with that phrase -- it's not Holly Golightly's mean reds, exactly -- when things are very, very wrong, when I hate everything around me, when I want to scream and move and can't. It's the can't that matters there, the frustration, the impotent rage.
Something needs to break open, and I don't know what I can do, without hurting other people. I don't know if I'm tamping myself down out of concern for them or cowardice; I'm not sure at what point I get to say I can't care if this hurts you, I have to. I'm restless, I want to go somewhere (I maybe understand Elizabeth in Burnt Norton a little more than I thought I did, no, you are not expected to understand that comment), and I can't leave, people need me too much.
This is my favorite city on earth, the best place I know, and I think I need to get out. I don't think my family is as much of a support network as they think they are. But. But they're the best I've got, because I am shit at making my own networks.
In a private-locked entry, a few days, maybe weeks ago, there's a phrase, referring to how I feel when I'm at group: prickly, sullen restlessness. I've been noticing that I feel like far more often than I'm comfortable with; because I only feel like that, that specific feeling which I can't define any more closely than with that phrase -- it's not Holly Golightly's mean reds, exactly -- when things are very, very wrong, when I hate everything around me, when I want to scream and move and can't. It's the can't that matters there, the frustration, the impotent rage.
Something needs to break open, and I don't know what I can do, without hurting other people. I don't know if I'm tamping myself down out of concern for them or cowardice; I'm not sure at what point I get to say I can't care if this hurts you, I have to. I'm restless, I want to go somewhere (I maybe understand Elizabeth in Burnt Norton a little more than I thought I did, no, you are not expected to understand that comment), and I can't leave, people need me too much.
This is my favorite city on earth, the best place I know, and I think I need to get out. I don't think my family is as much of a support network as they think they are. But. But they're the best I've got, because I am shit at making my own networks.
Reposted from LJ, 20 March 2009
