(no subject)
May. 9th, 2006 03:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elizabethI just -- I can't express how much I don't want to go upstate. I can't bear the thought of suffocating there again, even if I get a kitchen, even if I never see my little sister anymore, because I can't live there, I can't breathe, I'm not me, and I can't find a way to even fake being me when I'm there -- my temper, which is never one of my better personality traits, becomes so short it couldn't be used as a string on a bomb, I become sullen and withdrawn and (even more) anti-social, and I can't bear it.
But exactly how does one say to one's mother I never want to live there again, leave me alone, stop asking me questions, stop trying to help, I don't want your help, I just want to be okay without you, I don't want what you want for me?
In other news, my father is officially suing me for abandonment, which my mother hasn't actually told me; it's a long story and I'm not exactly proud of myself, but just believe me, please, it's true; his attorney is making noises about deposing me before going to trial -- that sounds like so much fun. Not.
I need boundaries that aren't just gaps, that aren't just me walking away, that aren't just space -- I need lines in the sand, New England farm stone walls, barbed fuckin' wire, something.
No one in my family is very good at boundaries, and I have to be. I have to learn how to set up boundaries, keep them up, and make them healthy, when I've never seen it done.
But exactly how does one say to one's mother I never want to live there again, leave me alone, stop asking me questions, stop trying to help, I don't want your help, I just want to be okay without you, I don't want what you want for me?
In other news, my father is officially suing me for abandonment, which my mother hasn't actually told me; it's a long story and I'm not exactly proud of myself, but just believe me, please, it's true; his attorney is making noises about deposing me before going to trial -- that sounds like so much fun. Not.
I need boundaries that aren't just gaps, that aren't just me walking away, that aren't just space -- I need lines in the sand, New England farm stone walls, barbed fuckin' wire, something.
No one in my family is very good at boundaries, and I have to be. I have to learn how to set up boundaries, keep them up, and make them healthy, when I've never seen it done.
Reposted from LJ, 20 March 2009
