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Oct. 27th, 2011 05:20 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elizabethYou know that joke that everyone in fandom makes, the "cannot cope, off to Mordor" one? It's not funny right now.
A few days ago, I was taking a nap, after several hours of exhausting interaction with people that left me feeling completely despairing of my ability to have a functioning grownup life, and thought, all I want, right now, is not to exist.
I couldn't think of a way in which my existence mattered. I was aware enough to recognize this as profoundly bad, disordered thinking that was edging far far far closer to suicidal ideation than I ever want to be, but I couldn't feel any other way.
That's about as bad as I've ever gotten in terms of disordered thinking. I feel better now. But I still don't feel good.
Some of this is November and anhedonia and massive external stress. And if I weren't distressed by (a) moving to a new place in a (b) new city where I have a (c) new job, that would be abnormal. I know all this.
IT STILL SUCKS.
A few days ago, I was taking a nap, after several hours of exhausting interaction with people that left me feeling completely despairing of my ability to have a functioning grownup life, and thought, all I want, right now, is not to exist.
I couldn't think of a way in which my existence mattered. I was aware enough to recognize this as profoundly bad, disordered thinking that was edging far far far closer to suicidal ideation than I ever want to be, but I couldn't feel any other way.
That's about as bad as I've ever gotten in terms of disordered thinking. I feel better now. But I still don't feel good.
Some of this is November and anhedonia and massive external stress. And if I weren't distressed by (a) moving to a new place in a (b) new city where I have a (c) new job, that would be abnormal. I know all this.
IT STILL SUCKS.
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Date: 2011-10-27 11:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-10-28 01:49 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-10-28 02:34 am (UTC)