(no subject)

So today in therapy we talked about the entry where I wrote about leaving undergrad and the entry about my anger issues and the poetry I have been writing recently, which is unified in tone. It will surprise no one when I say that the tone in question is that of frustration and anger and rage.

Apparently I am very angry that my life since 2004 has not been going well. That I have not been able to live the life I thought I was going to, that I have been trapped and stuck and in pain for all this time. Which, you know, is explicable.

But I, um. Didn't know that. I didn't know I was angry. (I knew I felt stuck. I didn't know that the stuck feeling was prompting anger. *facepalm*)

See above re: cauterized access paths. It turns out that I am not very good at feeling anything in-the-moment, that the prospect scares the dickens out of me — you know the line about poetry is...emotion recollected in tranquility? Yeah. I can feel things. I can name and understand what I feel. I just can't do those two things simultaneously. I can't (yet) identify my feelings when I feel them.

For so much of my life, emotions have been dangerous. If I felt something in-the-moment, it was because it was overwhelming and undeniable and unignorable and uncontrollable. Mostly fear. Or anger.

AWESOME.

This was a really hard and scary session and I am not sure what comes next. Dr. L was talking about non-directiveness, about sitting with me while I feel things, and that...doesn't strike me as the most helpful idea. I don't KNOW how to feel things! Sitting quietly is not going to give me skills I have never learned! I can sit quietly forever. Silence does not scare me. That does not feel like a good way of breaking the logjam in my head. But god knows I don't have any better ideas.