*deep breath*

I have had it on my to-do list to write this (these) entries for a while now. This is the Thing For Which I Do Not Use Nouns.

Just typing this makes me nervous.

I am using the joy icon because as much as this whole Thing scares me, I think it has more potential than almost anything else in my life right now to bring me genuine happiness. It would be an amazing amount of work, I think, I know, and ongoing, in order to succeed, and work without a roadmap or signposts along the way, and while I am not afraid of work in the abstract, I am afraid of what this work will feel like when I'm in the middle of it. I'm afraid of taking too long to complete it and losing the chance at the end result I hope for. (I know that if I do the work, the world at the end of it will be different and that the work in and of itself is worth doing, but fear is not rational.) I'm afraid that because I need to do the work in the first place, the goal I think I have is doomed from the start. (This would make more sense if I used nouns, I know.)

But I want this.

I want to do this. I want to be brave enough to do this.

I want to be happy.