(no subject)

Housekeeping note: this is the journal that is for me. I exist in other places on DW in which I am less self-absorbed, narcissistic, and introspective. If I have subscribed to you here, it is because you have given me useful things to think about in the past, you post about personal growth issues, or I feel like it. So far, this journal is entirely public; I hope not to change this, as the audience aspect of writing this feels important to me, in ways I can't entirely anticulate yet. Should this change, I will adjust the access list as I see fit.

(no subject)

So I fucked up with my bank account this week, and I took my last birth control and lexapro on Wednesday. And today I'm shaky and teary and not up living in the world; some of it's social hangover from the high dosage of people I got last night, but most of it's lack of drugs. I think.

When I was little, when I visited my grandparents, I'd watch them take their medication at night, and wonder at it — to live, tethered to pills, seemed so awful to me (not least because I was twelve before I learned how to swallow pills, but never mind that). And now I'm dependant on my medication. I can go two days, max, without the lexapro. The BC isn't as big a deal, it just makes my life easier, because it eases my menstrual cramps and PMS by an order of magnitude, but not taking it doesn't destroy my ability to function on a minute-by-minute basis.

I don't know when I'm getting off the lexapro. I don't know that I ever will. I don't know if I'm okay with that. But I'm even less okay with the thought of living like the way I feel right now. I won't do that. I can't do that.