Oh, wonderful. For the last week or so, I have been constantly tired, fighting off sleep at every turn. I assumed it was exam-period stress or something of the sort. I think I was wrong. I think it has something to do with my lexapro; specifically to do with the doubled dose I have been taking. It was meant to go back down to 10mg in March, but I haven't tapered off yet. I think that I need to break my remaining 20mg pills in half and hope that helps. If it doesn't, back to the nice lady in the white coat who gives me my prescription.

Placeholder remark: It is so much easier to like my mother when I am healthy. I always love her, but she knows how to push my buttons (because, as girlpearl says, because she installed them), and it is sometimes hard to be in her company.

Also, I am incredibly proud of myself: I took my last dose of meds on Wednesday last, and I am able to smile and talk to people tonight. I know it's the sunlight and the getting enough sleep and knowing I will be able to get meds again, and I know I need to pick them up first thing in the morning and start taking them again, but it's really encouraging. I will be okay. I am stronger than my depression, and the more I have evidence of that, the easier it is to be that. Act as if ye have faith, and faith shall be given to ye; it's not mind-over-matter, not quite, not entirely, but it's kissing cousins.

Things I want to talk about here: My Asshat Father & Why, Despite My Experience With Depression, I Refuse to Cut Him Slack For His, why I hate group therapy so very fucking much, how I will know when I am okay to cut back on individual sessions with Dr. L (hint: not yet, but I can feel it coming closer, although possibly I should ramp them back up over the winter), what the fuck I am going to do about the totally-not-revelation-but-articulated-THING with C#3 (three of the four most important people in my life have names beginning with C), career thinkiness, and god only knows what else.

Well, I suppose it's good that I've CONFIRMED I'm only ever two missed lexapro doses away from full-blown crazypants.

I ran out of lexapro at this beginning of this week because my script ran out and I thought I had another refill on it, kept forgetting to call my GP for a new one, and when I did get around to it, discovered they require two business days to call in to the pharmacy. Yeah, I don't get it either, but the point is: I can't get my meds until Monday at the earliest, I haven't taken any anti-depressants for about a week, and I am WELL into complete hamsterbrain. And by hamsterbrain I mean: my appetite is shot (so I forget to eat, and then I'm RAVENOUS and eat the nearest carbon-based food-form, and then I get sick to my stomach), I'm constantly in a low-level panic attack, the concept of an "attention span" is risible, and I can't see the point of doing anything because I'm not going to finish, ever, and bleeeeeeeeeeh.

::sips ginger tea, trying not to feel queasy as all hell::

Reposted from IJ, 16 March 2009