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oh my god does this ever *end*
So I ran into my biological father, aka That Fucking Abusive Asshole, a few weeks ago, which was irritating but not horrible, and then he sent me an email (I assume he sent it to an old address which forwards to my current email or found my website, it's not as though I hide my email). Which I refused to read,1 but let Dr. L read; I am informed it is a mixture of his usual manipulative, condescending bullshit.
She then suggested I actually respond — with a paper letter — saying, basically, please don't contact me, I do not want a relationship with you, I'm sorry I'm causing you pain, that is not my intention, but please respect that this is the decision I have made for myself at this point, and if I ever change my mind, it will be my responsibility to contact you.
Which appeals to me for reasons of Using My Words and continuing to be super-clear about boundaries, and also because it would probably be the first time I acknowledged to him that I recognize the failure of our relationship has been hard for him, and it is important to me to be able to say that I have never acted with the explicit intention of causing him pain. His pain has been collateral damage in my struggle to survive and stay sane.
But I am just so fucking tired of this. I am tired of having this rock in my garden. I've been doing this nonsense for a decade now. That is long enough.
And this week is turning out to be really hard at work; I keep getting asked to do shit that...I don't like and/or am not qualified to do, and while sometimes that is exciting and challenging, it is currently feeling both frustrating and boring. So. I am feeling a little fragile and despairing at the moment.
1 For reasons of, he can send me all the bullshit he wants, I don't have to read it, I'm not letting him dictate my behavior. Dr. L was not 100% convinced of the validity of this approach, and she has some strong arguments.
She then suggested I actually respond — with a paper letter — saying, basically, please don't contact me, I do not want a relationship with you, I'm sorry I'm causing you pain, that is not my intention, but please respect that this is the decision I have made for myself at this point, and if I ever change my mind, it will be my responsibility to contact you.
Which appeals to me for reasons of Using My Words and continuing to be super-clear about boundaries, and also because it would probably be the first time I acknowledged to him that I recognize the failure of our relationship has been hard for him, and it is important to me to be able to say that I have never acted with the explicit intention of causing him pain. His pain has been collateral damage in my struggle to survive and stay sane.
But I am just so fucking tired of this. I am tired of having this rock in my garden. I've been doing this nonsense for a decade now. That is long enough.
And this week is turning out to be really hard at work; I keep getting asked to do shit that...I don't like and/or am not qualified to do, and while sometimes that is exciting and challenging, it is currently feeling both frustrating and boring. So. I am feeling a little fragile and despairing at the moment.
1 For reasons of, he can send me all the bullshit he wants, I don't have to read it, I'm not letting him dictate my behavior. Dr. L was not 100% convinced of the validity of this approach, and she has some strong arguments.
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