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So that was a therapy session.
There may have been, but I can neither confirm nor deny, a tear or two.
I'm honestly not sure what exactly was so hard about the discussion we had today — about how I feel totally helpless to say no to my mother and her expectations of how I function in our family, and how the single thing that sends me out of my mind most reliably is feeling incompetent, and how that's connected to my mother's disappointment and judgement, and how I have learned to not want things from my family so that I can't be rejected. But it was really hard.
The image of Cordelia from Shards of Honor, the fountain that pours out honor and keeps nothing for itself, has come up a few times, and it continues to feel relevant, somehow. If I could muster anything beyond helplessness and grief, I would probably be desperately jealous of my sister for how she does not seem to be vulnerable to the demands that I feel so crushed by — some of it is that she isn't physically here, and it's one of the few things that was better about not living in the Ancestral Homeland, and some of it is how she has built a life that my mother respects, she has a partner, for example, and I don't, and don't want one, and so obviously my first obligation is to my family of birth (except for the side which I have publicly rejected), but I honestly don't think I am jealous, I don't want her life and I don't want her relationship with my mother, I just want some boundaries in mine, but I have no fucking tools to build them.
Well, fuck, if just writing this entry brought me to tears again (yes, okay, there was a bit of m. in the e. during the session), clearly there's more here to deal with. Ice cream and an early bedtime for me, I think.
I'm honestly not sure what exactly was so hard about the discussion we had today — about how I feel totally helpless to say no to my mother and her expectations of how I function in our family, and how the single thing that sends me out of my mind most reliably is feeling incompetent, and how that's connected to my mother's disappointment and judgement, and how I have learned to not want things from my family so that I can't be rejected. But it was really hard.
The image of Cordelia from Shards of Honor, the fountain that pours out honor and keeps nothing for itself, has come up a few times, and it continues to feel relevant, somehow. If I could muster anything beyond helplessness and grief, I would probably be desperately jealous of my sister for how she does not seem to be vulnerable to the demands that I feel so crushed by — some of it is that she isn't physically here, and it's one of the few things that was better about not living in the Ancestral Homeland, and some of it is how she has built a life that my mother respects, she has a partner, for example, and I don't, and don't want one, and so obviously my first obligation is to my family of birth (except for the side which I have publicly rejected), but I honestly don't think I am jealous, I don't want her life and I don't want her relationship with my mother, I just want some boundaries in mine, but I have no fucking tools to build them.
Well, fuck, if just writing this entry brought me to tears again (yes, okay, there was a bit of m. in the e. during the session), clearly there's more here to deal with. Ice cream and an early bedtime for me, I think.