elizabeth: woman with a red umbrella walking into a storm (Default)
Apparently Gran's coming home next week.

This is good news, of course—yay healing! champagne all round!—but I would like to be selfish and horrible for just a moment here, in my journal, under lock.

GODDAMNIT.

These last several weeks have underlined for me, as nothing ever has, my need for solitude, the way it heals me and makes me safe in my head; I honestly don't know how I'll cope when it goes away. I've known I needed a space of my own since I was a child, but I haven't ever had it, and now, to lose even this facsimile, is going to be impossible. One of my New Year's Resolutions was to save enough for first-last-security on my own place; well, I haven't been working toward that at all.

That's going to change.

I foresee a lot more time spent in Tea Spot and 17 Bleecker and the 42nd St. Library periodicals room over the next few months. If I don't get a job; did I mention the part where I signed up with a temp agency last week? I'm hoping that will push me into a little more financial padding, and so will work-study when I go back to school (please God), and I don't know, I'm just going to have to keep a small space of silence in my head while I work so I remember why.

I could almost wish I could leave New York except that....I love this city and I don't want to uproot myself until I have a reason to. I'm in a much better place, in terms of my depression, than I have been in literally years (stupid fucking disthymia; I love how one of the diagnostic criteria for the fucking disorder is a two-year timespan of symptoms), but not good enough, I think. Not yet. I need to stay here a little longer (and frankly, I am not up to applying to transfer; that would be an administrative nightmare, exactly the kind of thing that distracts me from actually recovering) and go on working with my therapist of genius and gritting my teeth and surviving until I can get out and
live.

Yeah. I can do that. I will do that.

It is not having been in the dark house, but having left it, that counts..

Reposted from IJ, 16 March 2009
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